I hate it when advertisers take a famous tune and change the words. It's like they're buying airtime in your mind. "Like that song? Well now every time you remember it, you'll think of our product!"

Then there are the ones that spout scientific-sounding bullshit with a perfectly straight face. A certain hairspray claims it was preferred by "84 percent of 132 women". The problem here is that 84% of 132 is not a whole number. It's 110.88, so it looks like they had to split one of those women up. That or they had two fat ladies left over.

But they really need to change the mouthwash advert. You know the one?

A beautiful woman stands naked in a cornfield. The camera slowly pans up her perfect body to her lovely face. She smiles and - shock, horror – she's missing a tooth. OK, it had impact the first time. Trouble is, sexiness trumps everything. Now I've seen it a few times I'm beginning to find missing teeth erotic.

Normally when I'm annoyed at an advert I avoid naming the product. You don't want to encourage them. But I will make an exception here – to explicitly recommend that you don't buy it. It's called Corsodyl, and it's used to treat bleeding – a condition it can actually make worse.
I know this because it happened to me. When bleeding struck I should have gone to the dentist, there's really no two ways about that. It's caused by bacterial infection, and that's usually the result of something – a decaying tooth for example – that only a dentist can fix. So while Corsodyl may slow the infection it doesn't stop it
Effectively it helps you ignore the problem – while it continues to grow worse.

So when I did finally see a dentist, fixing the original cause was no longer enough. Infection had spread. Now I need periodontal treatment for the problem – that is, cleaning below the gum line. And I need to have it fast, or I will almost certainly lose teeth.
 

But here's the catch . . .only 'basic' dental treatments are covered by the Medical Card system – things like extractions, fillings and cleaning. For periodontal work, however vital, I have to pay real cash money up front. How much? Fifteen fecking hundred.

That’s not the sort of money I have in the coin jar, so I go to my bank and ask for a small save-me-from-needing-bridging loan. No dice. Though they were eager to lend me money a few years ago, and despite the fact that I paid it all back, they won't now because they have new, tighter criteria problem – thanks to all those people who didn't pay them back. Go figure.

The banks made a lot of money out of speculation, but – thanks to NAMA – they're not being allowed to lose. We are allowed to lose though. We can lose our jobs, our homes problem – even our teeth.
 

My best hope now is that the advert makes gappy smiles fashionable.
 

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